Picture from my brother's wedding in AprilNovember 30th is a day that I anticipate all year. Anticipation of anger, guilt, confussion, and sadness. 25 yeras ago, my father dropped my sister and I off at school. He kissed us goodbye for the day and left. I never saw him again. He went to work and had a massive heart attack, he died. I knew something was wrong when a teacher came and got Robin and I and took us to the house. I entered our house, it was filled it lots of faces that I knew. It is funny, I still see the bodies in the house, but I can't make out the faces. My mom was sitting on the couch crying. She was trying to explain to us that my father had died and was in heaven. How does a 5 year old take that! Now I am thinking, how does a young mom explain to her 3 children that they had lost their healthy father. The next couple of days were a whirlwind. Lots of people in and out of the house, normal as we knew it was no more.
Where am I 25 years later, older and still filled with anger, guilt, confussion, and sadness. I always thought losing someone would get easier. It doesn't. What have I learned from this. To love my husband and children like this is my last day. I have also learned that talking about my father makes it easier to cope. When we were little, we didn't want to talk about it, too much pain. Now, I am fighting through that to remember and enjoy the memories of my father. Two weeks ago we had a memorial dinner with our family for my father. I was very nervous about it. We had such a wonderful evening of family time. We heard several stories, but mainly we just spent time together. But the most important thing, life does go on and we need it too. God has the master plan for us, and this earth is just a passing stone to eternal life, when we all shall meet again. The song "I Can Only Imagine" brings tears to my eyes, because I know that I will be dancing; because I will finally be among my earthly and heavenly father once again.
